so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
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I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
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I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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