i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
