Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
