No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
