In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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