chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
