Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Your dad touched me again.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
