Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
