dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
