Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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