420 ftw
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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