Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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