Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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