i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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