I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
