im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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