my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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