I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
