I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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