if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
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I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
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it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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