THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
