you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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