I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My feet surprised me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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