Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
