I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
40s are totally the cure
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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