barbara walters just said penis...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She's the barista slut.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
