im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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