I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize