Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My vagina just recognized that song.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
