I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
BRING THE BAGELS
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
