my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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