I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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