I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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