Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
