During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
