If i come over, it means nothing
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
