I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
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I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
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And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.