I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
