now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
