My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
