I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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