the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
