I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
