i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
