ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
