i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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