Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
