Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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