Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
