I wish my penis had an off switch
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
