you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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