last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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