You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
