How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
