Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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