So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
